cbse books

There was a village on the outskirts of a forest. A shepherd boy used to take his herd of sheep across the fields to the lawns near the forest. One day he felt very boring and wanted to have fun. So he cried aloud “Wolf, Wolf. The wolf is carrying away a lamb.” Farmers working in the fields came running and asked, “Where is the wolf?” The boy laughed and replied “It was just a fun Now get going all of you”. The boy played the trick for quite a number of times in the next few days. After some days as the boy was sitting on a tree and singing a song, there came a wolf. The boy cried loudly “Wolf, Wolf, The wolf is carrying a lamb away.” There was no one to come. The boy shouted “Help! Wolf!” Still no one came to his help. The villagers thought that the boy was playing mischief again. The wolf carried a lamb away and the boy was very sad.

A kindergarten teacher is having her birthday and three of her students decided to bring her a gift. The first students was little Timmy and his dad owned a Candy Store. Timmy walked up to his teacher and handed her a nice little gift wrapped box The teacher thanked the student and told him, she wanted to see if she could guess what was in the box. The little boy excitedly agreed and after about twenty seconds the teacher said, “Is it candy!?” The little boy surprisingly and a little disappointed walked back to his desk. The second student was Taylor and her dad owned a kitchen appliance store She walked up to her teacher with a fancily wrapped box about the size of a Football. The teacher took the box and asked if she could try to guess what was in the box. Taylor excitedly agreed and handed the package over to her teacher. The teacher stood there thinking for about forty five seconds then said, “Is it a Toaster!?” The little girl was surprised and asked the teacher how she knew The t...

Once while travelling, Tenali Rama found himself in the company of a group of soldiers. They were all veterans of war and soon they got to talking about their experiences on the battlefield. One old soldier told of the time he had single-handedly slain seven enemy soldiers. Another gave a detailed description of the manner in which he had held an entire enemy battalion at bay. When they had finished they looked condescendingly at Rama. “I don’t suppose you have any adventure worth telling,” said one of the grizzled warriors. “Oh, but I have,” said Rama “You have?!” said the soldiers. “Yes,” said Rama “Once while travelling I chanced upon a large tent I entered and there, lying on a mat was the largest man I had ever seen. I recognised him at once as a dreaded dacoit who had been terrorising that part of the country for years!” “What did you do?” asked the soldiers, their interest now fully aroused. “I cut off his toe and ran for dear life,” said Rama. “His toe?” said a soldier. “Why to...

A man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead woman sitting at the next table. He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her. Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back. “Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said, as she popped her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.” They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they went to the theater followed by drinks. They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his. She listened to him with interest. After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time. The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed everything had been so incredible! “You know,” he said, “y...

“How did you start your spiritual life?” asked one of the Sufi master Shams Tabrizi’s disciples. “My mother used to say that I was neither crazy enough to check in into a mad house nor saintly enough to enter a monastery,” Tabrizi answered. “So I decided to devote myself to Sufism, where we learn through free meditation.” “And how did you explain it to your mother?” “With the following fable: someone entrusted a little cat to take care of a duck. The duck followed his adoptive mother everywhere until the day both of them reached a lake. Immediately, the duck plunged into the water while the cat yelled at the border: ‘get out of there! You’ll drown!’” “And the little duck answered: ‘no, mommy, I discovered what is good for me and I can tell I am in my environment. I will stay here even if you don’t know what a lake means.’”

Every day Nasreddin went to beg for alms in the market, and people used to make fun of him by playing the following trick: They would show him two coins, one worth ten times more than the other, and Nasrudin would always choose the smaller coin. The story went round the whole province. Day after day, groups of men and women would show him the two coins, and Nasreddin would always choose the smaller one. Then one day, a generous man, tired of seeing Nasreddin ridiculed in this fashion, beckoned him over to a corner of the square and said: ‘When they offer you two coins, you should choose the larger one. That way you would earn more money and people wouldn’t consider you an idiot.’ ‘That sounds like good advice,’ replied Nasreddin, ‘but if I chose the larger coin, people would stop offering me money, because they like to believe that I am even more stupid than they are. You’ve no idea how much money I’ve earned using this trick. “There’s nothing wrong with looking like a fool if, in fact...

There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for a half hour. Then a big trouble making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink I just can’t stand to see a man cry.” “No, it’s not that,” the man replies, wiping his tears, “This day is the worst of my life first, I oversleep and I go in late to my office. My outraged boss fires me When I leave the building to go to my car, I find out it was stolen. The police say they can do nothing I get a cab to go home, and when I get out, I remember I left my wallet. The cab driver just drives away. I go inside my house where I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave my home, come to this bar, and just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”

Three brothers each marry a woman. The first one married a woman from Minneapolis, and said to her: “When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean and tidy.” He didn’t see any changes on the first day, but on the second day the house was clean and tidy. The second brother married a woman from Dallas, and said to her: “When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.” On the first day he didn’t see any changes, and not on the second day either, but on the third day it was as he had asked. The third brother married a woman from Detroit, and said to her: “When I get back from work, I want the house to be clean, the laundry done, and have food ready on the table.” On the first day he didn’t see anything, and not on the second or third day either. On the fourth day he could see a little bit with his left eye, and had just enough mobility in his right hand to make himself a sandwich.

The rain was pouring and there was a big puddle in front of the pub. A ragged old man was standing there with a rod and hanging a string into the puddle. A curious gentleman came over to him and asked what he was doing. ‘Fishing,’ the old man said simply. ‘Poor old fool,’ the gentleman thought and he invited the ragged old man to a drink in the pub. As he felt he should start some conversation while they were sipping their whisky, the gentleman asked, ‘And how many have you caught?’ ‘You’re the eighth,’ the old man answered.

One sunny day, two men were sitting in a pub drinking pints of lager, when one turned to the other and said: “You see that man over there? He looks just like me! I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him”. So, he went over to the man and tapped him on the shoulder “Excuse me, sir,” he started “But I noticed you look just like me!” The second man turned around and said: “Yeah, I noticed the same thing, where you from?” “I’m from Brisbane,” the man said: Stunned The second man said: “Me too! What street do you live on?” “McCarthy Street.” The second man replied: “Me too! What number is it?” The first man said: “162” The second man replied in shock: “Me too! What are your parents’ names?” “Bruce and Shannon!” The second man was awestruck and said: “Mine too! This is unbelievable!” So, they bought another round and continued talking as the bartenders changed shifts The new bartender came in, walked up to his colleague and asked: “What’s new today?” “Oh, not much The Murphy twins are ...

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there. The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds What are you doing here?” The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.” he lawyer looked puzzled “Gee,” he asked, “how did you start the flood?”

who after examining him says, “You have some problems with your heart, but if you take these tablets, I think it will be okay.” So the doctor gives the man the tablets and the patient asks, “Do I have to take them every day?” “No,” replies the doctor, “take one on Monday, skip Tuesday, take one on Wednesday, skip Thursday and go on like that.” Two weeks later the doctor is walking down the street, and he sees the patient’s wife. “Hello Mrs Murphy,” he says, “how’s your husband?” “Oh he died of a heart attack,” says Mrs Murphy. “I’m very sorry to hear that,” says the doctor, “I thought if he took those tablets he would be all right.” “Oh the tablets were fine,” says Mrs Murphy, “It was all the bloody skipping that killed him!”

Lying in the hospital bed, a dying man began to flail about and make motions as if he would like to speak. The pastor, keeping watch at the side of his bed, leaned quietly over and asked, “Do you have something you would like to say?” The man nodded, and the pastor handed him a pad and pen. ”Use this to write a note and I will give it to your wife She’s on her way.” Gathering his last bit of strength, the scrawled his message and then died. The pastor folded the note without reading it, then maintained a vigil until the wife arrived. When she came, he handed her the note, “His last words,” the pastor said. She fainted when she read, “GET OFF MY OXYGEN HOSE!”

Three old men were sitting on a bench when a reporter approached them. “I wonder if you three would be willing to do an interview and tell me your secret to long life,” the reporter asked. The three old men agreed and the reporter asked the first old man his secret to long life. “I never drank alcohol, I never smoked tobacco and I have been married to the same woman for fifty years.” “That’s really remarkable!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?” “I’m 93,” said the first old man. The second man was asked the same question on his secret to long life. “I drank on occasion, I smoked, but not often and I dated some.” “And how old are you?” asked the reporter. “I’m 91,” said the second old man. Finally, the reporter approached the third old man and asked his secret to a long life. “I dated every woman that would go out with me, I drank until I passed out and I smoked three packs of cigarettes a day.” “Wow!” said the reporter, “And how old are you?” “29,” replied the third man.

Paddy and Murphy meet at the supermarket and Paddy says, “Hey, man! How have you been?” “Oh, great,” says Murphy “I have recently bought an elephant.” “An elephant? Are you serious?” asks Paddy. “Yeah, man The kids love him, he’s their best friend They call him Mr Trunks He washes my car with his trunk I don’t need to cut my lawn anymore, he grazes down all the grass Such low maintenance My wife is so happy.” “Oh man, that sounds amazing I wish I had an elephant.” says Paddy. “Whatd’ya know, he’s for sale I got him for 30 grand but seeing it’s you, you can have him for 20.” “Excellent, it’s a deal.” Weeks go by and they meet again. “Hey man, how are you doing?” “What the hell is wrong with that bast.. elephant?? He sh.. all over my garden, I spend hours every day shovelling! The kids are terrified of him, and my wife is divorcing me!” “Aww, that’s not a nice way to talk about Mr Trunks You won’t be able to sell him that way!”

If your cup (literally) runneth over, it may be by design — and that design may be over 2,500 years old. Variously called a Greedy Cup, Tantalus Cup or Pythagoras Cup, this drinking vessel can only be filled with so much wine before a siphoning effect drains it all back out. Pythagoras of Samos was a philosopher and mathematician of the 6th Century BCE. Among other accomplishments, he is widely credited with proving the Pythagorean theorem (though it may well have been the work of his students). He is also given credit for the creation of this ancient practical joke device that likewise bears his name. The cup itself looks ordinary except for its central column. A hidden pipe runs from a void in the bottom of the stem up into the vessel, coiling back on itself in the process. This twist is the key. When the cup is filled too high, liquid tips into the central pipe and, per Pascal’s principle of communicating vessels, the entire contents of the cup begin to drain. Gravity and pressure t...

The next time you are tempted to say something hurtful to someone just because you’re angry, you might want to stop and remember this story: it’s a keeper. There once was a little boy who had a bad temper. His father gave him a bag of nails and told him that every time he lost his temper, he must hammer a nail into the back of the fence. The first day the boy had driven 37 nails into the fence. Over the next few weeks, as he learned to control his anger, the number of nails hammered daily gradually dwindled down. He discovered it was easier to hold his temper than to drive those nails into the fence. Finally the day came when the boy didn’t lose his temper at all. He told his father about it and the father suggested that the boy now pull out one nail for each day that he was able to hold his temper. The days passed and the young boy was finally able to tell his father that all the nails were gone. The father took his son by the hand and led him to the fence. He said, “You have done wel...

The man said to the dentist, “Doc, I’m in a hurry. I have two buddies sitting out in my car waiting for us to go play golf, so forget about the anaesthetic and just pull the tooth and be done with it.” The man continues, “We have a 10:00 AM tee time at the best golf course in town and its 9:30 already. I don’t have time to wait for the anaesthetic to work!”. The dentist thought to himself, my goodness, this is surely a very brave man asking to have his tooth pulled without using anything to kill the pain. So the dentist asked him, “Which tooth is it, sir?” The man turned to his wife and said: “Open your mouth, honey, and show him.”

The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, “I can’t understand how you can be so much bigger than me We’re the same age; We were the same size as kids I just don’t get it.” “Well, ” said the big Gator, “What have you been eating?” “Lawyers and politicians, same as you, ” replied the small Gator. “Hmm Well, where do you catch them?” “Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol.” “Same here Hmm How do you catch them?” “Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the sh. out of them and eat ’em!” “Ah!” says the big Alligator, “I think I see your problem. “You’re not getting any real nourishment.” “See, by the time you finish shaking the sh. out of a lawyer or a politician, there’s nothing left but an as.. and a briefcase.”

Cassan Said Amer tells a story about a lecturer who began a seminar holding up a one dollar bill, and asking: Who wants this dollar bill? Several hands went up, but the lecturer said: before handing it over, there’s something I must do. He furiously crushed it, and asked again: who still wants this bill? The hands continued raised and what if I do this? He threw it against the wall, letting it fall to the floor, kicked it, stamped in it and again held up the bill – all dirty and crumpled. He repeated the question, and the hands continued to be held high. You mustn’t ever forget this scene – said the lecturer no matter what I do with this money, it’ll still be a one dollar bill. “Many times in our lives, we are crushed, stamped on, kicked, maltreated, offended; however, in spite of this, we are still worth the same.”

A young caveman walks up to the tribe’s elder shaman, looking irritated he asks, “How do we name our newborn babies?” The elder shaman is kinda busy, but the young boy insists to know, so he finally gives in and replies, “Well, after a baby is born, I close my eyes and perform a ritual dance.” The shaman continues, “Once I open my eyes, the first thing I spot will be the name of the baby; if it’s a smilodon, the child will be called Fierce Smilodon; if it’s the river, then the name shall be Flowing River.” “But tell me, why does this bother you so much?”

One day a lion was sleeping in front of its cave. At that time a little mouse playing nearby by chance ran over the lion’s body. Lion woke with very angry and start searching for who disturbed the sleep. He found the little mouse nearby and said, “How dare you tease me? I will kill you.” The mouse begged for its life. It said, ‘’You Majesty, I am a tiny creature If you kill a poor creature like me, it will do you no honor save my life for this time.” Out of pity the lion let the mouse go. The Lion and the Mouse Some days after, the lion was caught in a hunter’s net. Lion tried hard but could not get out he began to roar. The mouse heard the roar of the lion. It at once came to the net and said, “Your Majesty, please be quite I will gnaw at the ropes of the net with my little sharp teeth you will be released.” The mouse cut the net into pieces with its teeth and set the lion free. The lion said, “Dear little friend, thank you very much you have saved my life.” Moral of the story: Being ...

Bill Gates goes to purgatory. St.Peter says, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go”. First, St.Peter shows Bill an image of Hell with beautiful women running on beaches. Then, St Peter shows Bill an image of Heaven with robed angels playing harps on clouds. Bill chooses Hell. About a week later, St.Peter checks in on Bill in Hell and finds him being whipped by demons. Bill says to St.Peter, “What happened to all the beautiful women and the beaches?” St.Peter replies, “That was just the screen saver.”

A teacher shows three toys to a student and asks the student to find out the differences. All the three toys are seemed to be identical in their shape, size and material. After keen observation, the student observes holes in the toys. First toy has holes in the ears. Second toy has holes in ear and mouth. Third toy has only one hole in one ear. Then with the help of a needle, the student puts the needle in the ear hole of the first toy. The needle comes out from the other ear. In the second toy, when the needle was put in the ear, the needle came out of mouth. And in the third toy, when the needle was put in, the needle did not come out. First toy represents those people around you who give an impression that they are listening to all your things and care for you. But they just pretend to do so after listening, as the needle comes out from the next ear, the things you said to them by counting on them are gone. So be careful while you are speaking to this type of people around you, who ...

A gnat, annoyed with a lion, for disturbing its sleep with its roaring, stung the beast on its snout. The lion tried to crush it with its paws but without success. The insect dodged the great cat’s claws and stung it again on its face. Elated by its victory over the king of beasts, the gnat turned to gloat. Unfortunately, there was a web in its path It got caught in the web, and was devoured by the spider. An insignificant foe is sometimes more dangerous than a mighty adversary because we’re not on guard against it.

Cinderella was now old, and was granted three wishes by the Fairy mother. Cinderella happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother. Cinderella said, “Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?” The fairy godmother replied, “Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?” Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish: “The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I’m living hand to mouth on my disability cheques, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.” Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold. Cinderella said, “Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother.” The fairy godmother replied, “It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?” Cinderella looked down...

On his way to the protest site he sees one guy dressed from head to toe in red standing on the side of the highway gesturing him to stop. Our guy rolls down the window and asks, “How can I help you?” “I am the red bast.. of the asphalt, you got something to eat?” With a smile on his face he hands one of his sandwiches to the red dressed guy and drives away Not even five minutes later he comes across another guy. This time the guy is dressed fully in yellow, standing on the side and waving him to stop. A bit irritated our guy stops, cranks down the window and asks, “What can I do for you?” “I am the yellow bast of the asphalt, you got something to drink?” Hardly managing to smile this time he hands to the guy a can of soda and then stomps on the pedal and takes off again. In order to make it to the protest site before sunset he decides to go faster and not to stop no matter what. To his frustration he sees another guy on the side of the road, dressed all in blue, making a hand signal to...

A Polish man had married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada for a year or so and although his English was far from perfect, the couple got on well. One day, though, he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked if he could arrange for a divorce for him….”very quick!!!” The lawyer explained that the speed of getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked these questions: Lawyer; “Have you any grounds?!” Polish man; “An acre and a half and a nice 3 bedroom house!!” Lawyer; “No, I mean what is the foundation of the case?!” Polish man; “It is made of concrete, bricks and mortar!!” Lawyer; “Does either of you have a real grudge?!” Polish man; “No, we have a carport don’t need a grudge!!” Lawyer; “I mean, what are your relations like?!” Polish man; “All my relations live in Poland!!” Lawyer; “Is there any infidelity in your marriage?!” Polish man; “Yes we have hi-fidelity stereo set and DVD player with 6.1 surround sound!!” Lawyer; “No, I mean does your wife beat you up?...

Sometimes how a person acts reveals a lot about their profession. This is a hilarious example of exactly that. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?” The man below says, “Yes, you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.” “You must be in IT”, says the balloonist. “I am,” replies the man, “How did you know?” “Well,” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.” The man below says, “you must be a manager”. “I am,” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

The farmer’s son was returning from the market with the crate of chicken’s his father had entrusted to him, when all of a sudden the box fell and broke open. Chickens scurried off in different directions, but the determined boy walked all over the neighbourhood scooping up the wayward birds and returning them to the repaired crate. Hoping he had found them all, the boy reluctantly returned home, expecting the worst. “Pa, the chickens got loose,” the boy confessed sadly, “but I managed to find all twelve of them.” “Well, you did good, son!” the farmer beamed “You left with seven!”

Two old men, Abe and Sol, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball. Abe turns to Sol and asks, “Do you think there’s baseball in Heaven?” Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, “I dunno but let’s make a deal — if I die first, I’ll come back and tell you if there’s baseball in Heaven, and if you die first, you do the same.” They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. Soon afterward, Sol sits in the park feeding the pigeons by himself and hears a voice whisper, “Sol… Sol… .” Sol responds, “Abe! Is that you?” “Yes it is, Sol,” whispers Abe’s ghost. Sol, still amazed, asks, “So, is there baseball in Heaven?” “Well,” says Abe, “I’ve got good news and bad news.” “Gimme the good news first,” says Sol Abe says, “Well, there is baseball in Heaven.” Sol says, “That’s great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that?” Abe sighs and whispers, “You’re pitching on Friday.”

“You have been a good cat all of these years anything you desire is yours, all you have to do is ask”. The cats says: “Well, I lived all my life with a poor family on a farm and had to sleep on hardwood floors”. God says: “Say no more” Instantly, a fluffy pillow appears. A few days later, six mice die and go to heaven. God meets them at the gate with the same offer that he made the cat. The mice said: “All our lives we’ve had to run Cats, dogs and even women with brooms have chased us if we could only have a pair of roller skates, we wouldn’t have to run anymore”. God says: “Say no more” and instantly, each mouse is fitted with a beautiful pair of tiny roller skates. About a week later, God decides to check and see how the cat is doing. The cat is sound asleep on his new pillow. God gently wakes him and asks: “How are you doing? Are you happy here?” The cat yawns and stretches and says: “Oh, I’ve never been happier in my life and those Meals on Wheels you’ve been sending over are the b...

A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, “Mommy, I have to pee.” The mother said to the little boy, “It’s not appropriate to say the word ‘pee’ in church. So, from now on whenever you have to ‘pee’ just tell me that you have to ‘whisper’.” The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, “Daddy, I have to whisper.“ The father looked at him and said, “Okay, just whisper in my ear.

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall that says, “$500 if we fail to fill your order.” When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant tail on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen Almost immediately he hears an explosion of voices. The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen and up to the customer’s table He slaps down five $100 bills in front of the man. “You got me this time, buddy,” he says, “but I want you to know this — that’s the first time in 10 years we’ve been out of rye bread.”

Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church. Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon everyone had exited the church except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seeming oblivious to the fact that God’s ultimate enemy was in his presence. So Satan walked up to the old man and said, “Don’t you know who I am?” The man replied, “Yep, sure do.” “Aren’t you afraid of me?” Satan asked. “Nope, sure ain’t.” said the man. “Don’t you realize I can kill you with a word?” asked Satan. “Don’t doubt it for a minute,” returned the old man, in an even tone. “Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical AGONY for all eternity?” persisted Satan. “Yep,” was the calm reply. “And you’re still not afraid?” asked Satan. “Nope.” More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, “Well, why aren’t you afraid of me?” The man calmly replied, “Been married to you...

A climber fell off a cliff, and as he tumbled down, he caught hold of a small branch wedged in the rock. “Help! Is there anybody up there” he shouted. A majestic voice boomed through the gorge: “I will help you, my son, but first you must have faith in me.” “Yes, yes, I trust you!” cried the man. “Let go of the branch,” boomed the voice. There was a long pause, and the man shouted up again, “Is there anyone else up there I could talk to?”

A woman walks into the City Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids . “WOW,” the social worker exclaims, “Are they ALL yours?” “Yeah, they are all mine,” the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, “Sit down Terry.” All the children rush to find seats. “Well,” says the social worker, “then you must be here to sign up I’ll need all your children’s names.” “’This one’s my oldest – he is Terry.” “OK, and who’s next?” “Well, this one, he is Terry, also.” The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri “All right,” says the caseworker “I’m seeing a pattern here Are they ALL named Terri?” Their Mother replied, “Well, yes – it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, ‘Terry!’ An” when it’s time for dinner, I just yell ‘Terry!’ an’ they all come running.’ An’ if I need to stop the kid w...

There was a farmer who sold a pound of butter to the baker. One day the baker decided to weigh the butter to see if he was getting a pound and he found that he was not. This angered him and he took the farmer to court. The judge asked the farmer if he was using any measure. The farmer replied, your Honor, “I am primitive I don’t have a proper measure, but I do have a scale.” The judge asked, “Then how do you weigh the butter?” The farmer replied; “Your Honor, long before the baker started buying butter from me, I have been buying a pound loaf of bread from him. Every day when the baker brings the bread, I put it on the scale and give him the same weight in butter If anyone is to be blamed, it is the baker.” What is the moral of the story? We get back in life what we give to others Whenever you take an action, ask yourself this question: Am I giving fair value for the wages or money I hope to make? Honesty and dishonesty become a habit Some people practice dishonesty and can lie with a ...

A couple whose marriage was on the rocks sought the advice of their pastor. The pastor encouraged them to patch up their quarrel and keep their vows, but the couple was adamant. “Well,” said the pastor, “you know the consequences if you insist on a divorce. Remember this: you must divide your property equally.” The wife flared up “You mean the $4,000 I have saved up? I must give him half? My money?” “Yes,” said the pastor “He gets $2,000 You get $2,000.” “What about my furniture? I paid for that.” “Same thing,” answered the pastor “You split it equally.” There was a challenging gleam in the wife’s eye “What about our three children?” The pastor was stumped at first but then quickly came up with a Solomonic solution. “Go back and live together until your fourth child is born. Then you take two children and your husband takes two.” The wife shook her head. “No, I’m sure that wouldn’t work out If I depended on him, I wouldn’t have the three I’ve got.”

Hodja had a dream. A man knocked at his door and asked if he could spend the night in his house. He said he would pay 10 gold coins for the privilege. Hodja agreed and showed him to his room. The next morning, the man thanked Hodja and began taking out gold coins from his purse he took out nine and stopped. “You promised to give me ten!” shouted Hodja and awoke. He looked around for the man but there was no one there. He quickly shut his eyes again all right all right, he said “Give me nine!”

A man visited the pastor, a woman well known for her charitable impulses. “Pastor, ” he said in a broken voice, “I wish to draw your attention to the terrible plight of a poor family in this neighborhood. The father is dead, the mother is too ill to work, and the nine children are starving. They are about to be turned into the cold, empty streets unless someone pays their rent, which amounts to $900.” “How terrible!” exclaimed the preacher’s wife “May I ask who you are?” The sympathetic visitor applied his handkerchief to his eyes “I’m the landlord,” he sobbed.

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am. The next day at 8:45 is there is a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The Foreman throws open the door and begins to rant about the new Employee. He complains that she is incredibly slow and the whole line is backing up, putting the entire production line behind schedule. The Personnel Manager decides he should see this for himself, so the 2 men march down to the factory floor. When they get there the line is so backed up that there are Tickle Me Elmo’s all over the factory floor and they’re really beginning to pile up. At the end of the line stands Lena surrounded by mountains of Tickle Me Elmo’s. She has a roll of plush Red fabric and a huge bag of small marbles. The 2 men watch in amazement as she cuts a little piece of fabric, wraps it around two ma...

Little Willie came home in a sad state. He had a black eye and numerous scratches and contusions, and his clothes were a sight. His mother was horrified at the spectacle presented by her darling. There were tears in her eyes as she addressed him rebukingly: “Oh, Willie, Willie! How often have I told you not to play with that naughty Peck boy!” Little Willie regarded his mother with an expression of deepest disgust. “Say, ma,” he objected, “do I look as if I had been playing with anybody?”

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there. When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits. His co-worker said he should reconsider Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, good public transportation, etc. Then he said: “Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years, and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working.” The first asked “What did you do there?” To which the other replied, “I was tail-gunner on a bread truck.”

Larry’s barn burned down and his wife, Susan, called the insurance company. Susan spoke to the insurance agent and said, “We had that barn insured for fifty thousand, and I want my money.” The agent replied, “Whoa there, just a minute. Insurance doesn’t work quite like that An independent adjuster will assess the value of what was insured, and then we’ll provide you with a new barn of similar worth.” There was a long pause, and then Susan replied, “If that’s how it works, then I want to cancel the life insurance policy on my husband.”

They take a seat, the ladies chat with one another across the table, as do the gents. Fred asks Harold, “Are you still going to that memory clinic?” Harold says, “Yes, it’s been helping my memory a lot, I recommend you come along to our next session.” “What do they do there?”, asks Fred. “They teach us to remember things through word association”, replies Harold. Fred says, “I might have to give it a try, what’s the name of the clinic?” Harold pauses for a while, trying to remember. He says, “Umm, ahh, hang on… um… what’s the name of that beautiful flower, the one that has thorns?” Fred says, “That’d be a rose, Harold.” Harold turns to his wife and says, Rose!, what’s the name of that clinic I go to?

The story goes that some time ago, a man punished his 3-year-old daughter for wasting a roll of gold wrapping paper. Money was tight and he became infuriated when the child tried to decorate a box to put under the Christmas tree. Nevertheless, the little girl brought the gift to her father the next morning and said, “This is for you, Daddy.“ He was embarrassed by his earlier overreaction, but his anger flared again when he found the box was empty. He yelled at her, “Don’t you know that when you give someone a present, there’s supposed to be something inside it?” The little girl looked up at him with tears in her eyes and said, “Oh, Daddy, it is not empty I blew kisses into the box all for you, Daddy.” The father was crushed he put his arms around his little girl, and he begged for her forgiveness. It is told that the man kept that gold box by his bed for years and whenever he was discouraged, he would take out an imaginary kiss and remember the love of the child who had put it there. I...

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule he tried to plow a lot. One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on. All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head killed her dead on the spot. At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd. When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old...

“‌‌I can’‌‌t spea‌‌k t‌‌o m‌‌y wif‌‌e directl‌‌y a‌‌s sh‌‌e migh‌‌t fin‌‌d i‌‌t offensive‌‌, give‌‌n ou‌‌r ol‌‌d age‌‌” h‌‌e say‌‌s t‌‌o th‌‌e doc. “There’‌‌s ‌‌a simpl‌‌e tric‌‌k yo‌‌u ca‌‌n tr‌‌y t‌‌o determin‌‌e he‌‌r hearing,‌‌” explain‌‌s th‌‌e doctor‌‌ “Simpl‌‌y as‌‌k he‌‌r ‌‌a questio‌‌n a‌‌t ‌‌a distanc‌‌e an‌‌d i‌‌f sh‌‌e doesn’‌‌t hea‌‌r you‌‌, mov‌‌e slightl‌‌y close‌‌r an‌‌d as‌‌k agai‌‌n unti‌‌l sh‌‌e does”. Tha‌‌t night‌‌, th‌‌e husban‌‌d arrive‌‌s hom‌‌e an‌‌d see‌‌s hi‌‌s wif‌‌e i‌‌n th‌‌e kitche‌‌n cooking‌‌ he think‌‌s t‌‌o himself‌‌, “Wha‌‌t ‌‌a perfec‌‌t opportunit‌‌y t‌‌o tes‌‌t he‌‌r hearing”. H‌‌e stand‌‌s i‌‌n th‌‌e doorwa‌‌y o‌‌f th‌‌e kitche‌‌n an‌‌d promptl‌‌y asks“What’‌‌s fo‌‌r dinne‌‌r honey? N‌‌o answer‌‌ H‌‌e move‌‌s closer. “What’‌‌s fo‌‌r dinne‌‌r honey?” Stil‌‌l n‌‌o answer‌‌ H‌‌e move‌‌s eve‌‌n closer. “What’‌‌s fo‌‌r dinne‌‌r honey?” Stil‌‌l hi‌‌s wif‌‌e doesn’‌‌t answer‌‌ H‌‌e no‌‌w see‌‌s ho‌‌w seriou‌‌s he‌‌r hearin‌‌g proble‌‌m is‌‌ at thi‌‌s po...

There is a nine-year-old kid sitting at his desk and all of a sudden, there is a puddle between his feet and the front of his pants are wet. He thinks his heart is going to stop because he cannot possibly imagine how this has happened It’s never happened before, and he knows that when the boys find out he will never hear the end of it.. When the girls find out, they’ll never speak to him again as long as he lives The boy believes his heart is going to stop; he puts his head down and prays this prayer, “Dear God, this is an emergency! I need help now! Five minutes from now I’m dead meat.” He looks up from his prayer and here comes the teacher with a look in her eyes that says he has been discovered. As the teacher is walking towards him, a classmate named Susie is carrying a goldfish bowl that is filled with water. Susie trips in front of the teacher and inexplicably dumps the bowl of water in the boy’s lap. The boy pretends to be angry, but all the while is saying to himself, “Thank yo...